Thank you, all of you who commented on my last post, for your kindness, for your caring, for reaching out. I didn't seem like I was around much but I checked in on your comments regularly and they comforted me. My experience with Western society is that people often don't know how to deal with other people's grief, that often they are consternated at the sight of another's tears, that sometimes there is an expectation that after a few days time one should be over it. One of the most common comments one hears is "I don't know what to say". But you all know the secret, say something, reach out, that's all a grieving person needs, a feeling of connection to the rest of humanity. A hug, a wordless gesture, even the, I-don't-know-what-to-says, they all work. There is no right answer, a grieving person isn't looking for answers, they're looking for kindness and warmth when the world feels particularly cold & they're in a place where they are easily isolated. And it takes time, grief. It's been a long week and our grief as co-workers, and his family's grief, will not go away tomorrow. We find solace in our shared memories of him, of the kindness of people in an uncertain world. Thank you.
30 September 2007
For Your Kindness
Thank you, all of you who commented on my last post, for your kindness, for your caring, for reaching out. I didn't seem like I was around much but I checked in on your comments regularly and they comforted me. My experience with Western society is that people often don't know how to deal with other people's grief, that often they are consternated at the sight of another's tears, that sometimes there is an expectation that after a few days time one should be over it. One of the most common comments one hears is "I don't know what to say". But you all know the secret, say something, reach out, that's all a grieving person needs, a feeling of connection to the rest of humanity. A hug, a wordless gesture, even the, I-don't-know-what-to-says, they all work. There is no right answer, a grieving person isn't looking for answers, they're looking for kindness and warmth when the world feels particularly cold & they're in a place where they are easily isolated. And it takes time, grief. It's been a long week and our grief as co-workers, and his family's grief, will not go away tomorrow. We find solace in our shared memories of him, of the kindness of people in an uncertain world. Thank you.
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I'm glad that you don't see grief as something to be hidden or avoided... after all, the hole someone leaves in your life represents how important they were to you in the first place, and it's important to honor that loss.
ReplyDeleteSo... I'm still sorry.
beautiful post. It IS hard to know what to say, but I think you are right... that in reaching out and saying SOMETHING you are acknowledging the grief, and that's what the mourning person needs.
ReplyDeleteYour photo illustrates this post perfectly.
ReplyDeleteGrief is personal. In the best of circumstances we know a little about those we are trying to comfort so accommodate their specific needs. The rest of the time we flail. I flail a lot in my life, but I vow to keep doing so If didn't flail, there would be little evidence of trying.
Kind memories console the living, and allow those who have passed to live on.
You are very correct about people not knowing how to deal with other people's grief. It leads to ackwardness. Really just because someone elses grief reminds us acutely of our own.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for the loss of your colleague and friend.
the thing is that we are all radically dependent upon one another for just this kind of consistency and care. Thank you for your honest sharing. Grief is worth the time--as if you have a choice- especially when you come out on the other side. My thoughts are still with you....
ReplyDeleteI love the photo you have chosen for this post.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, too, that after a few days everyone would like to go back to normal, would like for you to act "normal".
Everyone needs their own timeline to heal and to process loss. My thoughts are with you.
i don't know how we find "normal" after something like this. I've thought about you a lot this weekend. Thank you for giving us an update and know that I'll continue to think about you still.
ReplyDeletepilgrim/heretic ~ I learned long ago that hiding my grief keeps me from healing.
ReplyDeletemaypole ~ thank you.
ms chica ~ keep at it. Grief is personal, we all deal with it in our own way. But we to ignore it is worst thing we can do with it.
propter doc ~ perhaps you are correct although I have known people act uncomfortable who have never experienced loss too.
orangeblossoms ~ and at a time of grief more so then ever...
qt ~ perhaps it is because in this day and age time is something that many people press and squeeze that they forget that it takes time no matter what.
jen ~ thank you. Hugs.
Continued thoughts of love and warmth for all who grieve. xoxo
ReplyDeletethank you liv.
ReplyDelete