21 November 2007

And the Rains Came

When I woke up yesterday it was pouring rain out, pouring. And with all our snow that made things a bit tricky. The streets are flooded with water over a nice two inch base layer of ice because the storm drains are plugged with snow turned slush. Funnily enough, I found it absolutely impossible to be cranky when the weather was being so foul. The Disreputable Dog and I half skated through our walk. Obviously I'm a bit rusty on winter habits - note to self: remember to put your Yak-trax (grippy things that stretch over your shoes) on before ANY walk. I'm beginning to remember the semi-crab like walk of winter in icy places, with your weight low in the hips, the feet kept wide, scuffing ever so slightly against the pavement, er, ice, no sudden high stepping steps which will surely bring one crashing down.

The Direputable Dog playing sleigh with my niece

The ignominy of falling here is not just that moment when you know suddenly that there is nothing you can do, that your feet (or bike) are going to go out from under you, nor from the painful landing on a hard surface, trying to catch yourself with something other then your knees or elbows, but from the landing in a puddle and not only being sore and bruised but also being soaked to the skin. Last year the Disreputable Dog & I were walking in the dark in a downpour just like the one we had yesterday and that continues today when we met a man coming the other direction who in response to my greeting said "Good thing it isn't raining out, isn't it?". He made my day he did. I couldn't stop laughing. And you know, it's been one of my favorite sayings ever since.

"Smoke" on the water

And my current situation is a bit like that isn't it? I want to thank all of you kind readers for all of your empathy, kindness, and ideas. I am excited about the possibilities for change. I know good things can come of it. I also know that this is a good time to evaluate my anxieties and my passions and try to focus more clearly on where I see myself down the road. I am trying to focus on all of that but every know and then, as on Monday, I just get overwhelmed, or maybe it's underwhelmed and then I focus on the timing (January is a lousy month to be looking for jobs either in this state or in this field of work and it's a lousy time to move and for some reason seems to be the time of year that I often experience major life changes), and on the fact that I haven't heard back from most of my application yet (well, they do take awhile), and all the what-ifs. However, I do know at heart that I am extremely lucky. I have a good education, I have a lot of skills, I have passion, I have the support of loving family and friends, and I live in an age where I can look for jobs anywhere as long as I have access to the internet.

Aurora borealis from Fairbanks

I'd like to tell you all, too, the day before the US Thanksgiving, that I am thankful to all of you for being here in this space where I can sort of talk aloud about the what-ifs. I think part of why I am questioning my path so much is because some of my experiences over the last two years have included such vast professional betrayals (and I'm not talking about funding) that it makes me question my fundamental premises for being in this career. I can't, at the moment, go into the specifics of what happened, but I am thankful you give me a positive space to explore my options. While it is always a better feeling to leave a job at the time of one's choosing sometimes it's good to be pushed. Now I am presented with the chance to more clearly define my dreams and passions and to explore them and that's also very scary. Wonderful and scary all at the same time. So thanks for being there with me, for reading, and commenting. I appreciate every little bit of it. You are all fantastic.


  1. I use my blog as a space to "say things out loud" a lot, and just hear what it sounds like.

    And so often, from the moment you first get new about something huge, to when you actually come up with the solution, you have gone through so many internal mutations that it is hard to explain to others.

    Hang in there, and have a good Thanksgiving!

    PS - The beginning of the Al story is in last Wednesday's post. I added a link.

  2. i love that... "good thing it isn't raining"


    love your attitude!

  3. It's beautiful where you live.

    Your profile picture reminds me of the art of Andrew Goldsworthy. Have you seen that documentary about him called Wind and Tide?

  4. I really hope this is not some sort of permanent goodbye. Cause we just started talking bones and stuff and your voice is so singular. Please bring us with you.

  5. and I forgot to say: Oh~ The Aurora! wow.

  6. I hope you get answers to all your questions really soon. I am constantly amazed at how supportive the blogging community is, glad you are a part of it!

  7. qt, yeah, blogs are good for that although I do have to be careful about some things since in the end I think I'm pretty identifiable. Thanks for the link - I'll go check it out (I'm not really sure how I missed it).

    maypole, thanks!

    meno, it is indeed beautiful here. Beautiful but in some ways desolate. I've never even heard of Andrew Goldsworthy...I'll have to look him up. My profile picture was taken on a remote Russian island that I lived & worked on for 4 very trying months in 2006.

    orangeblossoms, awwww...thanks!

    crazymumma, who said anything about goodbye? Oh dear, did this sound like a goodbye euology? No, I may be moving but I'll take you all along with me. I promise we have lots of time for more conversations about bones. And thanks - what an amazing compliment.

    orangeblossoms, yeah, that picture doesn't even capture the half of it, pictures never do with the aurora.

    gill, thanks! I'm glad you are too. I suspect these are the kind of questions that I will always be refining throughout my life. It's kind of like the truth of never really knowing what we want to be when we grow up, right? I think it can be a positive thing to question but one must keep it in perspective!

  8. Thanks for sharing your life and thoughts, and Happy Thanksgiving!

  9. Fantastic your own self! Your greatest gift, to me, is the ability to note and contextualize and roll around with every small detail of life. I see my college students in the classroom being *bored by everything*, and I wonder how they can be smug about setting themselves up for a life of misery. If only they'd stop pissing and notice the new shades on the classroom windows and how they could take two minutes to reread the story and and and...

    If only they'd do things you do.

  10. mad hatter, thanks! to you to!

    jocelyn, awww...really? What a wonderful compliment. Thanks.


Please leave your messages here...I am always delighted to have comments!