I really wanted to participate in this month's scientiae carnival because it is it's 1 year carniversary but I haven't been participating much of late because I'm out of science work and feel like I'm just holding on to my dreams and trying to chase my fears away; fears about my abilities, about long lasting lack of funding, about being stuck away from the job I love. It's already past the due date for this month's carnival (over at Rants of a Feminist Engineer by Skookumchick, it's founder) but it's got me thinking.
Professionally, more then anything, I want to see myself back in research and science in the very soon near future and not just on a volunteer basis but on a paid semi-steady basis. I want to be part of a research group that both challenges and supports me, a place where ideas can bounce and find their way, a place where the ropes I missed out on learning in the past are available for me to learn from, a place that encourages me to take the bull by the horns when I need to and to tack out of the wind when otherwise required. There are dreams here that I dare not vocalize although some of them would seem trivial because I hold such dreams very close to my chest.
Right now what I am trying to remember most of all is that when I feel paralyzed to act because the prospect of failure overcomes me is that the anguish or joy over something working out lasts a short time while the paralysis can go on and on and so therefore there is in actuality less to lose by acting on each and every possibility.
oh. a great outlook, to keep looking for the joy. keep going. you'll find it.
ReplyDeleteDon't stop dreaming--- it will come. I know it will.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find a place to learn and accomplish everything you wish for soon. Your future research group will be lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteI know the fear and paralysis you speak of, all too well. For some time I have been wondering whether or not I dare plunge back into the postdoc pool after my kids are a little older. It would be my second postdoc if I did (my first was decidedly lackluster.) Of course, I'd have to find someone willing to take me on... and even aside from that, there are plenty of rational arguments against it...
ReplyDeleteJust saying, I understand. Best of luck.
I don't know if you're in my field or not, but if you want to talk specifics, feel free to email.
ReplyDelete-LL
I think you would always be welcome at Scientiae carnivals regardless of whether you are currently working full-time in science. Fears about abilities, funding, and finding the right job and research environment are things we all share, and your voice and perspective are valuable. Sending good thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteI hope your joy is just around the corner!
ReplyDeleteI wish from the bottom of my heart that your dream materializes.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds so wonderful.
The great part of this post is that you've articulated your goals and objectives. I always just fell into the next thing, the next job, and I marvel at people with direction.
ReplyDeleteThat's the first step.
maypole, thanks! It didn't sound so positive when I put it down.
ReplyDeleteorangeblossoms, thanks!
saxifraga, thank you. Do you really think so?
bean-mom, thank you. And you too.
dr lemming, I think I will. I'm not exactly sure what field you're in either but at this point advice is welcome.
mad hatter, thanks for the good thoughts. You are right, I know Scientiae will always welcome me. I think I just felt hesitant because so much felt unsure for me.
science girl, thank you!
hel, oh thank you.
jocelyn, yes, I suppose it is. The next step is jumping over the paralysis.