I really wanted to participate in this month's scientiae carnival because it is it's 1 year carniversary but I haven't been participating much of late because I'm out of science work and feel like I'm just holding on to my dreams and trying to chase my fears away; fears about my abilities, about long lasting lack of funding, about being stuck away from the job I love. It's already past the due date for this month's carnival (over at Rants of a Feminist Engineer by Skookumchick, it's founder) but it's got me thinking.
Professionally, more then anything, I want to see myself back in research and science in the very soon near future and not just on a volunteer basis but on a paid semi-steady basis. I want to be part of a research group that both challenges and supports me, a place where ideas can bounce and find their way, a place where the ropes I missed out on learning in the past are available for me to learn from, a place that encourages me to take the bull by the horns when I need to and to tack out of the wind when otherwise required. There are dreams here that I dare not vocalize although some of them would seem trivial because I hold such dreams very close to my chest.
Right now what I am trying to remember most of all is that when I feel paralyzed to act because the prospect of failure overcomes me is that the anguish or joy over something working out lasts a short time while the paralysis can go on and on and so therefore there is in actuality less to lose by acting on each and every possibility.