17 January 2008

Realm of Possibility

The mountain roads were heartbreakingly beautiful and white knuckle icy. On my way over Eastward I watched a two cars collide in front of me at an intersection, the only section of the road that was ice-less. Breath stopping hard in my breast I turned on my emergency blinkers and got out to see if I could help. Others did the same. No one appeared to be hurt, thankfully, and when local volunteer personal appeared on the scene I left and continued on my way, a bit shaken.


The drive was long but was good concerted thinking time. A good time to evaluate where I am and and the possible where I want to goes without input from others. I am a big solicitor of input from others but then I like to go away and think of it all by myself and make my own decision. Not that I have a "real" decision to make at the moment more like a decision about which path I want to pursue. I am possibly, at the most indecisive point in my life to date. I have always known my passions and pursued them doggedly and determinedly but now I feel like the legs have been kicked out from under my goals and I need to see if they still hold true. I know that part of this is a loss of confidence borne under some very difficult, heart-wrenching, life changing events that occurred during my last job, things that I know make my eyes seem weary when they come up in conversation.


My friend who I met up with, someone I met in graduate school who has since left the science career very successfully for the IT business, noted that I seemed less confident then he has ever known me to be, even through the tough years with an advisor who managed to have more students walk away then he ever graduated. The thing is, though, that I love my profession, but I could also be very happy doing several other things in life and sometimes, especially lately when I have come up against the more brutal side, when I feel like I have to fight to keep people safe and honest, when I feel like the whistle blower, then I think, 'Is this worth it? Couldn't I be just as happy doing X or Z without the stress?'. So that is the question I am answering. I have decided to go ahead and just try it all - application wise. I'm hoping that chatting with people and applying for jobs I will come to have a better feel for what I do and don't want to do. And this trip was perfect for that. I met with some great people who have some common interests. I listened to myself speak and heard more commitment in my thoughts then I was aware of. And now I'm going to explore that.

As crazymumma said in her comments to my last post, I am walking into a realm of possibility. Anything could happen. And I am excited about that.

14 comments:

  1. There are few things so magical as the realm of possibility.

    Hoping the pixie dust stays with you always.

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  2. What an amazing description. Accidents like that are very nerve-wreaking, but at least everyone was okay.

    Best of all, the road ahead of you is open with possibilities, and that seems to be more a pro than a stress for you now. I'm glad to hear it. :)

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  3. Wayfarer, sometimes the scariest times are the most rewarding. I heard a definition of 'humor' lately that I like. ( I hope I didn't read it on your blog - my memory plays tricks on me sometimes and I repeat things back to the very people who told them to me.) The definition is that humor comes from looking back in tranquillity on something in the past that was frightening at the time. So maybe soon you'll be revisiting this scary time and smiling to think of what joy your decision eventually brought you.
    By the way, I actually came by your blog today to tag you for a challenge, the rules of which are on my blog. But I think you've got too much on your plate at the moment. I'll just leave it to you - one day you might feel like sharing five random facts about yourself.

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  4. Wayfarer...I am so excited for you!

    Into The Great Wide Open lyrics

    Eddie waited til' he finished high school
    He went to Hollywood, got a tattoo
    He met a girl out there with a tattoo too
    The future was wide open

    They moved into a place they both could afford
    He found a night club he could work at the door
    She had a guitar and she taught him some chords
    The sky was the limit

    Into the great wide open
    Under them skies of blue
    Out in the great wide open
    A rebel without a clue

    The papers said Ed always played from the heart
    He got an agent and a roadie named Bart
    They made a record and it went in the chart
    The sky was the limit

    His leather jacket had chains that would jingle
    They both met movie stars, partied and mingled
    Their A&R man said "I don't hear a single"
    The future was wide open

    Into the great wide open
    Under them skies of blue
    Out in the great wide open
    A rebel without a clue

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  5. Sometimes it's good to say the words out loud. They become more concrete than when they float through the mind.

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  6. I think if I were in your shoes, I would feel some relief at giving in to other possibilities. Like you, I love being a scientist, but I think there are several other careers I could enjoy as well. Because this one takes so much training and commitment, it would be emotionally difficult to switch. Confronted with a choice, I would want to fight for this career because I've already worked so hard for it. But after I got over that, I think I could be successful on another path.

    I really hope you feel happy with wherever your road leads. I'm so interested in what you will do next.

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  7. Glad to hear you excited and embracing possibilities!

    By the way, I've been in that area of the country you describe, and the roads scare the heck out of me in winter.

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  8. I'm kind of envious of your long road trip and all that time to think. This is a stressful time for you -- figuring out which path to take, it's also a wonderful time -- from my perspective (two small kids, a necessary job, a house, pets, etc.) Guess the grass is always greener.. sounds like you are staying true to yourself and doing some serious soul searching.

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  9. How beautifully you describe getting to stay over in the realm of possibility.

    It is such a strange space. Full, yet empty.

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  10. Apologies in advance for the long comment...

    A number of my friends have had good experiences from mass posting their cv to recruitment agencies, monster, and the like, finding mostly smaller, niche employers who have been looking for (and are full of) people like them. One guy left uni having been unable to get a PhD place, had no job, and ended up developing mathematical models of the stock market. He loves it, and it suits him down to the ground, and he'd never have found it without having his hand forced into being receptive to interest in his cv.

    When I considered setting aside years of scientific training and doing a job that I inherently loved for a new career where I had no experience, I had all sorts of complex and conflicting thoughts - wondering whether (if I left science) all those years were somehow wasted or could have been better used, whether it consituted 'giving in', disappointment and disillusionment that I found myself highly qualified and well-regarded but with diabolical prospects of finding suitable and permanent employment in academia, excitement at possibilities, fear of the unknown, all those thought experiments of "where would I be in five/ten/twenty years time if...", and so on. You can expend a lot of effort in playing those ideas over - glad you had a long drive to think things through.

    Sooner or later, you'll be in a position where you have options to choose from - and hopefully you'll be in a position where you can't possibly make a bad decision - good luck with wherever your thoughts are leading you!

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  11. Crossroads often give you conflicting emotions like the ones you describe. I am going through something similarre: being at the most indecisive point in your life to date, but in a different realm.

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  12. the realm of possiblity is exciting and scary

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  13. Stress at work is soul destroying. It me several years ot decide to leave a profession I loved but with excessivly high stress levels but I havent looked back with regret since I left. Life is funny like that...

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  14. jenn, thanks! love your new avatar pic!

    julie, thanks! I'm working on it.

    parlance, ooo...a meme for procrastination! And you are absolutely right, often things are much more scary when they are before us then after we have passed the hurdle.

    crazymuum, thanks! hopefully I have a clue though ;)

    ms chica, indeed.

    ecogeofemme, exactly. EXACTLY!

    bean-mom, the driver's scare me more then the roads...although the ones from Anchorage south were even worse.

    jodi, it is always greener, which is why I think I'm taking such a hard look at it.

    hel, you and I both girlfriend.

    but why, no apologies necessary. I appreciate your comment - it is good to hear from someone who was in my shoes and how you decided. thanks for you input.

    qt, yes indeedy. But I think you know what you have decided...just not how best to go about it.

    maypole, isn't it?

    dj, but the question is, for me, whether or not it is the work or the workplace that was the sould destroying stressor?

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