The mountain roads were heartbreakingly beautiful and white knuckle icy. On my way over Eastward I watched a two cars collide in front of me at an intersection, the only section of the road that was ice-less. Breath stopping hard in my breast I turned on my emergency blinkers and got out to see if I could help. Others did the same. No one appeared to be hurt, thankfully, and when local volunteer personal appeared on the scene I left and continued on my way, a bit shaken.
The drive was long but was good concerted thinking time. A good time to evaluate where I am and and the possible where I want to goes without input from others. I am a big solicitor of input from others but then I like to go away and think of it all by myself and make my own decision. Not that I have a "real" decision to make at the moment more like a decision about which path I want to pursue. I am possibly, at the most indecisive point in my life to date. I have always known my passions and pursued them doggedly and determinedly but now I feel like the legs have been kicked out from under my goals and I need to see if they still hold true. I know that part of this is a loss of confidence borne under some very difficult, heart-wrenching, life changing events that occurred during my last job, things that I know make my eyes seem weary when they come up in conversation.
My friend who I met up with, someone I met in graduate school who has since left the science career very successfully for the IT business, noted that I seemed less confident then he has ever known me to be, even through the tough years with an advisor who managed to have more students walk away then he ever graduated. The thing is, though, that I love my profession, but I could also be very happy doing several other things in life and sometimes, especially lately when I have come up against the more brutal side, when I feel like I have to fight to keep people safe and honest, when I feel like the whistle blower, then I think, 'Is this worth it? Couldn't I be just as happy doing X or Z without the stress?'. So that is the question I am answering. I have decided to go ahead and just try it all - application wise. I'm hoping that chatting with people and applying for jobs I will come to have a better feel for what I do and don't want to do. And this trip was perfect for that. I met with some great people who have some common interests. I listened to myself speak and heard more commitment in my thoughts then I was aware of. And now I'm going to explore that.
As crazymumma said in her comments to my last post, I am walking into a realm of possibility. Anything could happen. And I am excited about that.