New Year, New Beginnings in 2009

Just before the old year went out I was offered a new job as an –ologist for the largest US National Park in Alaska. I had been toying with the idea of more graduate school and had been pursuing both jobs and PhD options simultaneously. Of course, both of these options became very available at about the same time. For now I chose the job – it was an offer I couldn’t turn down – although I have not entirely given up on the idea of more grad school. So as of Monday (01/12) I head back north. This time I’m taking the ferry from Bellingham, WA to Haines, AK. A very good friend in Alaska has agreed to fly with the Disreputables and to keep them at his house until I arrive – he had plans to be visiting family in Colorado anyway and as much as I will miss those crazy Disreputables on the road I think this will be easiest on all of us. Last I checked, two days ago, the temperature was –78F (or damn cold) and between super cold temperatures and having to be stuck in the hold of the ship for 4 days I’m not sure they would have enjoyed it much.

Yours truly in the largest US National Park in 2002

I am very excited about this new job. I will be living in a very small town again (Town-Where-Two-Highways-Meet) but I’ve lived here before and have friends here. The park is fabulous and has great staff and there are three ways to drive out of there if I need a break! My new header is a picture of two of the more famous mountains in the park taken in early fall by a park ranger Neil. It’s a bit strange getting a new job as many people are losing or worried about losing theirs. As the economy has continued its path it has become clear to me that the loss of my old job was an early sign of what was to come.

Still searching

Photo from a river trip, Alaska 2004

Cross your fingers for me...I'm all excited about a position or two that have opened up that seem like they could be just what I'm looking for. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but it's hard not to sometimes. I know that eventually my persistence will pay off even though it's often hard when you can't see the next step in front of you.

Mixed messages

So today I got turned down for a job I interviewed for and I got asked out on a date.

A very hardy primrose growing out of a concrete block

(PS - the answers are up on my music meme if you are curious)

An evening alone with homemade wine

I sent an email out to an old employer of mine in Fairbanks, among others, and today he responded by telling me drop by the office because he might have some "interesting projects"... at the same time I just got an email from another dear Fairbanks friend telling me that a cabin was available if I should want it. I loved Fairbanks when I was there...but I have never gone back to live some place that I lived before. Even my current standing with my parents feels strange and out of place. But I wonder...if he has funding and has projects, can I see myself back in Fairbanks? So many of the people I knew when I lived there have gone, the emotional landscape has changed, and yet I feel the tug. How strange would it be to live in a cabin, beautifully built by a shipwright, that once housed a long-time boyfriend after we broke up? Of course, dropping by the office will have to be by telephone....

Newfoundland village (2005)

I wonder if I don't have some sort of "escapee" problem - I'm always some place new. At night I dream I took on a job in Newfoundland, doing research in Labrador, and built myself a house on the edge of the sea cliffs. And how does one get farther and stay on the North American continent from Alaska then to go to Newfoundland? For the record I have been there, and the similarities are striking. My mother has a cousin there too...who I have only met the once. I wonder what it is about me that has a ken for these long distant places, these remote isolated areas? Why is it that the places that appeal to me are in the remote arctic or antarctic? When the other half of me craves art and culture and society? Am I running to things or from things? I get away from it all of today's social strings for months on end and can see the tether of my own sanity dissapearing like the broken strings on a guitar, knowing that I must get back to a place with more grounding, with people, and then I'm back with people and society and I feel off kilter and after a few months all I hear is the harkening of those remote places where the soul of me was tested where I thought I'd lose myself forwever never to return.

A very good friend of mine and I had a long discussion once after a particularly harrow raising field season, one where I came back just in the nick of time to confirm that reality had not warped while I was gone. She told me that I seem to look for and apply for things that other people would shy away from. Things that other people would see uncertainty in. This was a valuable insight and I ponder still how to keep myself from the jobs where my colleagues and I are placed in undue danger while still feeding the explorer in me. How do I suss these situations out? How do I tell the difference between bravery and stupidity? Why, when I long to stay in one place cannot I not seem to do so even when the opportunity is in front of me?

Realm of Possibility

The mountain roads were heartbreakingly beautiful and white knuckle icy. On my way over Eastward I watched a two cars collide in front of me at an intersection, the only section of the road that was ice-less. Breath stopping hard in my breast I turned on my emergency blinkers and got out to see if I could help. Others did the same. No one appeared to be hurt, thankfully, and when local volunteer personal appeared on the scene I left and continued on my way, a bit shaken.


The drive was long but was good concerted thinking time. A good time to evaluate where I am and and the possible where I want to goes without input from others. I am a big solicitor of input from others but then I like to go away and think of it all by myself and make my own decision. Not that I have a "real" decision to make at the moment more like a decision about which path I want to pursue. I am possibly, at the most indecisive point in my life to date. I have always known my passions and pursued them doggedly and determinedly but now I feel like the legs have been kicked out from under my goals and I need to see if they still hold true. I know that part of this is a loss of confidence borne under some very difficult, heart-wrenching, life changing events that occurred during my last job, things that I know make my eyes seem weary when they come up in conversation.


My friend who I met up with, someone I met in graduate school who has since left the science career very successfully for the IT business, noted that I seemed less confident then he has ever known me to be, even through the tough years with an advisor who managed to have more students walk away then he ever graduated. The thing is, though, that I love my profession, but I could also be very happy doing several other things in life and sometimes, especially lately when I have come up against the more brutal side, when I feel like I have to fight to keep people safe and honest, when I feel like the whistle blower, then I think, 'Is this worth it? Couldn't I be just as happy doing X or Z without the stress?'. So that is the question I am answering. I have decided to go ahead and just try it all - application wise. I'm hoping that chatting with people and applying for jobs I will come to have a better feel for what I do and don't want to do. And this trip was perfect for that. I met with some great people who have some common interests. I listened to myself speak and heard more commitment in my thoughts then I was aware of. And now I'm going to explore that.

As crazymumma said in her comments to my last post, I am walking into a realm of possibility. Anything could happen. And I am excited about that.

Road Trip

Headed East and over the Continental Divide today to visit a friend who flew south from Alaska to visit family and to go do some rounds at the University where he is staying and chat with some people about my future. Wish me luck!